How do you turn Transformers, a movie that opens with the writing credit ¨Based on the toys created by HASBRO¨into a thinking man´s film? That´s easy, try watching it in Spanish.
I haven´t concentrated this hard in a movie since I saw Clue for the first time.
All of my new friends (all 1.5 of them) were out of town this past weekend, and so while I spent the days visiting touristy stuff (which I will generally spare you from....although SOMEONE is going to have to watch the freaking i-photo slideshow I will lovingly prepare) I decided to hit the cinema for a little R&R from my espanol. Someone had gone to the cine earler in the week and seen Oceans 13, in English with Spanish subtitles, and I was hoping to do the same.
Also the allure of 2 solid hours of air conditioning and an American-Sized Diet Coke were too great to pass up.
Unfortunately, when I showed at the cine, Oceans 13 had already started, so it Transformers was the next most viable option. Here was maybe my second or third interaction with a non-school-non hobro Spanish person, and it went about as well as could be expected:
(Translated from the Spanish)
Me: Hi, I´d like to buy a ticket to see Transformers at 10:30
Cashier: How many tickets?
Me: Just one.
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So far so good, right? well, here´s where things took a real nosedive. Apparently, in Spain, they ASSIGN seats for their patrons. So while, I´m assuming all that is left in our transaction is for me to pay, she´s got something else on her mind.
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Cashier: Where would you like to sit?
Me: I´d love to pay, how much is it?
Cashier: No, sir, íts not time for that, tell me where you´d want to sit first.
Me: Yes, one for Transformers at 10:30, and here´s my money.
Cashier: You aren´t getting a ticket until you tell me where you want to sit.
Me: Yeah, I love the Transformers.
Cashier: Sir, there is a line of people behind you, please just choose a seat.
Me: No, the Go-Bots sucked! I got one for my birthday once, his name was A-1, like the steak sauce.
Cashier: I´m just going to give you a middle seat in the front row you yankee bastard.
Me: Hmmm, I don´t know how an Energon Cube would taste, probably like an overripe mango.
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At this point, after much rolling of the eyes, she turned her computer monitor towards me and pointed at a diagram of theatre. I got the point immediately, chose an aisle seat and sealed the deal.
Ticket in hand, I headed towards the concession stand for my big-ass coke and popcorn. These were purchased with relative ease, but when it came time to fill my cup with ice, the woman reached into a small metal vase and pulled out a mere two cubes of ice with tongs to drop in my glass.
This lack of ice seems to be endemic in this country. I mean, sure you can discover the new world and change the course of history on three contintents, but if you remain content to buy your ice from gypsies on the street, then what good is your freaking civilazation???
How hard is it to figure out that: water + cold = ice? You all have freezers, I´ve seen them, how about tossing a water nozzle or some ice trays up in there?
Anyway, I go to my assigned seat and settle in for a good ole American popcorn flick.
Sadly, it became clear pretty quickly that thsi whole thing will be in Spanish, and that I´m going have to pay attention if I´m going to have any idea what´s going on.
((I´d hate to leave wondering ¨what was MegaTron´s motivation? did StarScream resolve his Oedipus Complex?¨))
I think I was able to glean most of the intended plot points, and the movie was pretty good. My biggest problem was that the baddest Decepticon of them all, SOUNDWAVE was nowhere to be found. I understand that cassette decks are a tad outdated these days, but surely they could have worked him and his ever-so-cool-talking-like-Barry White-into-the-fan-on-high-speed-voice into the film!
Oh, and Bumblebee deserves an Oscar for his performance.
I haven´t talked about this much yet, but everybody, EVERYBODY in Spain smokes. And, sure enough, someone lit up in the theatre. Not once, but twice. And this wasn´t even weed! Just plain ole tobacco. Its completely illegal I´m sure but no one said anything. But it did make me feel better about that time I smuggled a Long John Silver´s (LJS for those in the know) Add-A-Piece Meal into the Riverside theatre for a late night showing of Species 2. (And thank God I did, those batter dipped fish rectangles were the best part of that film).
Watching Transformers in Spanish was a healthy experience for me. It helped broaden my worldly perspective. You see, Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots didn´t come to Earth just to save America, they came for ALL OF US.
Thank You, Spanish. And Thank You, Autobots.
Keep waging your battle to destroy the evil forces of....the Decepticons.
That its it for today. Next time I´m going to try and work all of the funky spanish keyboard keys into my message, but I won´t do it unless you all can see them. So please, someone in the comments tell me if you can see¨ ñ, €, ¿, ¡, ª, º, ¬, and of course, ç
5 comments:
yes - i can see those stupid little signs. looks like someone cursing in a foreign language cartoon.
don't know what's worse - watching Transformers in a language you barely understand or watching "Evening" in english? hmmmm. even though i am a bit old for these toys, i still played with them once i stole them from my younger brother. he still hasn't figured out what happened to them. of course, they are no match for my 12" high g.i. joes (but it does seem a bit weird that i spent so much time "dressing" these dudes and worrying about whether the metal snaps were all there...). this is where alrutz will cut in with some story of how he was there at the invention of lincoln logs which were SO much cooler than these crappy toys!
by the way - the ONE movie you need to see if you haven't is "Knocked Up". probably the funniest movie i have seen in a while - i actually laughed so hard at one point that i shot soda out of my nose onto a guy in front of me. i then had some very uncomfortable moments trying to dodge his stares when he turned around (and then start laughing again as soon as he looked back at the screen). hey - guys mimicking getting laid while their buddy is trying to have a serious telephone conversation with a girl is classically funny in ANY language!
This whole story would be f-in' hilarious if it wasn't exactly what I've been going through in Chile for the past two months. I mistakenly believed that they spoke Spanish in this country. Instead, the locals emit a series of high-pictched squeeks, and elbow you a lot on the buses. Especially the small, overweight, middle age women.
aw dude, this is brilliant. laughed my ass off. listen, did we bring the LJS into the movie? i remember burritoes going up sleeves as well.
awesome.
Ahhh, same Forrest, different country. I can picture you causing an international incident while "innocently" trying to watch an American movie. At least in Japan, if worse came to worse, you could have physically overpowered everyone in the country, save for the sumos, the yakuza, and, of course, the ninjas. And then they would apologize to you. Not in Spain, they'd just furrow their unibrows, curse at you, and then take a siesta.
Maybe I'm just bitter that you've gone to Europe and still seen The Transformers Movie before I did. By rights, I should have seen Transformers before anyone else, including Tae Diggs and the other actors in the movie. No one loved them as I did as a child. I'm so outraged I may go to work in my underwear today.
BTW, if you'd like Kim to read your blog, you might consider SENDING HER A LINK. You should know that she and I pretty much limit our communication exclusively to Max-related information, so I'm not going to be able to forward the link to her. Sorry, dem's the breaks.
Ha! I have managed to hunt down this mysterious blog I have been hearing so much about from my beloved. I know you wanted to keep it from me, but it is no longer under wraps. I know your game - you didn't want me to see it because you were afraid I'd learn once and for all that you ARE funnier than Tom! It's true. (Just kidding, hunny). Seriously, though - I did laugh out loud, particularly at the gypsy references. My Mum's best friend in England lives across the street from a gypsy camp. They just built houses and tapped into water, electricity, etc. Crazy stuff. Anyway, I have always thought that blogs were highly egotistical and strange, and you this is therefore the only blog I have ever read. Surely the others can't be as funny as this. If they are, I sure have been missing out. I guess I have some reading to do. Your host bro sounds like he could be a psychopath . . . watch out for him.
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